control issues.

thank you for being here with me in this moment.

there is a message for some of us at this time– some of us are currently in the vicious, dysfunctional and destructive cycle of control. there are some crucial, loving lessons to be learned here.

some of us may be struggling with issues of control– attempts at controlling our environment, our relationships or our circumstances but tragically, to no avail each time. at the tender core of our need to control is fear, insecurity, deep wounding of our past that we have allowed to inform and shape our present. 

it is time now to lovingly, purposefully ask yourself: what is motivating your need to control? why is control a need for you? does it feel good to you to be in control? what emotions or experiences rise up to greet you when you feel that you are in control? what emotions or experiences are you trying to prevent yourself from feeling when you attempt to gain control? are your attempts at control attempts at self protection and preservation? what are you trying to protect yourself from? why?

what does releasing control look like for you? what does it feel like for you? what is at the root of your need for control? 

are you willing to go deeply into that root, know it, feel it for what it is? 

how might your relationships shift in their energy, their capacity for nourishment and growth once you lovingly, bravely release your need to control their dynamics? 

how might your relationship towards and with yourself shift once you release your need to control? what will your life look and feel like once you allow yourself, your situations, your work, your feelings, and others who are in relationship with you to simply be?

i can see clearly now.

thank you so much for being here with me and may this message provide another tender bit of confirmation and joy for you in this moment. i would like to share with you a message i received today regarding the collective.

this morning as i was eating breakfast, getting ready for work i heard a feminine energy say “i miss my masculine.” it was mournful, heavy with longing and vulnerability. this may have been their first time admitting this to themselves.

this is the first time since being in masculine energy for almost a month that i have finally been able to hear from the feminine energy. this is a good sign as it shows that the feminine energy is in a positive place of honoring their emotional experience, allowing themselves the right to fully feel the depth of their feelings in regards to whatever happened between them and a masculine energy– they may be coming into a place of willingness to hear the masculine, even making room for forgiveness, if not for the masculine then for themselves to help themselves take another step in their emotional wellbeing and recovery.

the masculine energy is in a place of emotional self sufficiency and greater wellbeing. they may be seeking professional help, spiritual guidance, taking ownership of their emotional and mental health, seeking self help videos, books, anything to help them cultivate healthy, compassionate emotional balance within themselves, in their relationships with others and in their every day life because they know that this is what is required for the kind of relationship they want with the feminine energy in their life. reformation and reconstruction of their life is happening now.

both miss one another greatly and it is totally understandable. honor and cherish the great blessing that is this connection, this gift from the goddess herself and make good on your commitment, masculines. continue to do your work. do it faithfully, willingly just as you have been doing.

justice is being served!

as i drove to work it began to lightly rain yet the sky was clearing, beautiful and blue and i thought of the song, “i can see clearly now.”

i felt the masculine’s energy in the lyrics of this song, having undergone this transmutation of self and of sorrow, of their wounds, losses, rage and pain of the past in order to become the person they always have been– an individual worthy of love simply by being here as they are right now, richly capable of giving and receiving love in all of its sacred ways.

indeed, they can see clearly now and the rain is gone and the feminine, their ten of cups, the one that they want, the one that got away, is what they finally see.

time is of the essence now.

people in these connections may experience flare ups of anxiety from time to time, receiving messages from their guides or sense that something or someone life changing is soon coming their way. continue to trust in your intuition, cultivate and deepen your relationship with your spirituality, your wellbeing and your life. continue practicing vulnerability with yourself and with others.

what is coming is joyously meant for you & the era of fear based decisions and actions controlling your life is coming to its end.

a time of miracles.

bjork / blissing me
” (he) reminds me of the love in me…”

i wanted to invite you into listening with me as there is a message within this piece that resonates deeply with the energy working within many of us at this time. i would like to share with you a little bit of the energetic message i received from such beautiful energy–

listen, read, enjoy, feast & delight.

this line, “he reminds me of the love in me.” made me squeal with euphoria! although the person in question does not have to be male, this is the person who has reminded you of the love in you, this person is the one you want, who has made you aware of the love within yourself that has been longing to be shared fully and received in equal measure, from and with yourself and from and with others and to do that you realized that you had to heal– old traumas, dysfunctional behaviors stemming from wounds, patterns of relating that were self sabotaging, destructive and unhealthy and this required you to go within your heart, for these masculine energies i worked with, it was for the very first time.

the euphoria i felt and still feel is because this line has taken a new, deeper, much more beautiful meaning, one that is rich with life! gracious acceptance, euphoric openness brought on by an opening of the heart. a sweet nod to this masculine energy around me, when we allow our hearts to be open again to the totality of emotional experience– joy, grief, hurt, sadness, rage, love, compassion, we are inundated with a dizzying rush of happiness that feels so much like freedom, because that is what it is, a conscious choosing to live and love with an open heart is what it feels like to be free, to know that through it all we can and are able to hold ourselves gently, lovingly, and that is a victory worth celebrating, worth basking deeply in, feasting joyously in, divining yourself in.

be so blissfully selfish in this moment. feel it all without guilt, without shame and apology and most importantly, without fear.

this is a reclamation of your right to love, to love and to be loved. i am very blessed to have been apart of this heart opening process for the masculine, both within myself and within those who asked for my help in their healing.

i am so proud of you for choosing love instead of fear.

there’s this dream i keep having…

there’s this dream i keep having.

i have had this dream for as long as i can remember. it follows the same story line, the same pattern, the same beginning, middle and end. the same killing. the same agonizing pain in my neck when i wake up before the killing. i am usually at a school event, surrounded, in a sea of people, countless faces, names, voices that i recognize, but that don’t recognize me. in each timeline, in every dream, the same loss occurs, i lose something essential to my survival, my escape, my car keys. i spend the most of my dream in a hopeless scavenger hunt, i know how it ends, i know how this ends each and every time.

i am getting much more skillful at manipulating events in my dreams, being able to fight back at my attackers, usually childhood bullies, viciously murdering someone who attempts to kill me, but in these dreams i always seem to lack that ability, i always become so helpless in the face of darkness. i ask others to help me find my keys, but rarely does anyone offer, instead they all carry on with their lives as if i never existed to them. this feels oddly familiar to feelings i would have in my waking life as a child and young adult, this invisibility of me.

the world keeps turning and i still keep searching for my keys as the scenery grows darker, the lighting dims and there are less and less people to be seen, to be found and i know what that means. either wake up now or be killed by whatever is waiting for me in that deep, trembling dark. in one particular version of this dream there is a woman who offers to give me a ride home and i accept, but we have to hurry so we both start running towards the exit. the running never saves me, she always runs faster than i do. i can never catch up with her, even though i ask her to slow down she never responds, only runs faster until she’s nearly out of sight and then i realize that i am alone, abandoned and that it’s suddenly very, very uncomfortably dark.

i wake up before it kills me.

in the past i attributed dreams like these to being a manifestation of physical pain that my body needs me to attend to, usually tension in my neck as a result of how i sleep, but now i am opening myself up to a new possibility, an old feeling that’s tucked herself around me since i was very small, this feeling of chronic isolation, of abandonment, this yearning to belong, this unknown sort of paradise of interconnection rich with relationship and lasting that i felt i could never seem to touch, that could never be mine to experience some day. deep, lasting connection with others, be it with friends or intimate partners is a desire i have always had.

over the years therapy has helped me to start cultivating this deep relationship within myself and it has helped, but i still need connection with others. we need true, honest, vulnerable and compassionate connection with others, not just with ourselves. i am grateful for the connections i do have with the women in my life, how our friendships have evolved over time as we have, their natural shape ever flexible and open to change, but there is still this ache of longing, this desire for deep connection, a conversation of emotion that never dies out, that bends and twists and negotiates and affirms and accepts and adapts and moves as we do.

i guess what i’m looking for is something that lasts.

first time.

this afternoon, i received my notice from another potential employer that i was not accepted for the job. immediately i return to self judgement, self blame, self criticism. i indulge in punishing myself for something wholly out of control, for someone else’s decision. this is an age old, socially enforced, traumatically internalized defense mechanism. i turn the anguish onto myself, because there is no one to blame but myself. then i am stopped by my loving self.

why must there be blame in this situation?

my being turned down for a fourth job has nothing to do solely with me. i have adapted, altered my resume, removed some things, added others, shook hands, smiled politely and engaged in friendly conversation with interviewers, yet the story ends the same. the outcome of each situation cannot rest solely on my shoulders. each one is learning opportunity, a blistering at first lesson that i try patiently to absorb and feel through. i try to remember that the intention is not getting a 9 to 5, but to pursue tarot and spiritual work full time, as a woman committed to other women, helping other women help themselves.

that is the true intention. that is the goal.

so where to go from here? long term success is not rooted in a small term place. this is a long track cycle of my life, one that will lead to legacy, will lead to fulfillment, will lead to my heart’s desire, one step, one day at a time. i have already been told that there is no reason to run, only to walk towards my gold.

my blessings already have my name on them.